I am still pondering why I decided to write about what I consider the ugliest part of my life. Loneliness. There is a sense of isolation that I carry around with me and it’s painful. It causes me to question my connections. I can experience great joy when I’m in the presence of others.  The feeling of isolation is still there, but it’s a blur. When they leave, the isolation comes to the forefront and I am reminded that I am lonely again. I go through a mini depressive episode. When this happens, I turn against myself and neglect myself for a short time.

Fleeting contentment

Sometimes when I’m alone, I experience contentment and I feel great. I enjoy my space and my time alone. It would be great if I could feel contentment anytime I’m alone. Why do the feelings of isolation creep in? Where do they come from? The only benefit of this experience is when I hear someone mention loneliness in a session, I automatically understand. I feel deep empathy for them because I know loneliness can feel like a prison sentence.

The ugliest part of my life and poor choices

I’m a person of faith and I don’t understand why my connection to God is not enough. I have two beautiful adult children and I know they love me, but I still struggle with feelings of isolation. Regrettably, I chose a spouse out of this need and to no surprise the marriage failed. Making choices out of loneliness is unwise. This is why loneliness is the ugliest part of my life. When I’m lonely it feels like no one sees, yet everybody sees and no one cares. It feels like other people have something that I don’t have – the ability to connect with others and feel that connection and knowing they are not alone.

The ugliest part of my life on paper

Even as I write this, my eyes water and I wonder again – why am I writing about the ugliest part of my life? I’m writing because I don’t know what else to do with it. Even if nobody reads this at least I shared my thoughts and feelings with the paper. The paper has always been a listening ear waiting for me to come and release my inner world. Sometimes I love the paper and sometimes I dislike the paper. In this present moment, I feel like I’m at the mercy of the paper. This is the only ear I have and so I write. I’m internally overwhelmed with how loneliness has fallen upon my life. I write because just maybe there is one person out there who will know that I understand and even though you feel alone in your journey, I feel you.

I write because I’m human and I’ve been in settings where I felt the pressure to be better than I am. As a person of faith who is an intercessor, I believed I couldn’t have emotional struggles because I was a prayer warrior – and yet I do. I’ve been a mental health therapist since 2009 and I have struggled with the pressure to look like I have everything under control – but I don’t. I sometimes struggle with depression and anxiety. ADHD is the mental health cherry on top that makes it feel like running through mud to be more productive.

Beauty and the ugliest part of my life

Hear me, I’m not conceited, but I know that I am a beautiful woman. I have heard people say things like ‘why are you lonely’ or ‘what’s wrong with you’ because they assume beautiful people should never feel lonely – and yet I do. Loneliness has nothing to do with what you look like or your income. It’s a human problem that can happen to anyone.

The bottom line

I’ve pursued higher education, overworked, and over extended myself in the past to drown out of the sound and feeling of loneliness. Then it happened. I relocated to a place where I don’t know anybody. Nobody was reaching out to me to do this or that. My work has become predominantly independent. I am no longer doing plays or teaching. This has made me come face to face with my reality that  broken early childhood attachments have subconsciously impacted how I experience connection.

I have over 15 years of experience in mental health and I’ve been a Christian for over 20 years. Yet I still don’t have the answer to how to overcome this experience so that I no longer feel it. Unfortunately, I have made poor choices and done impulsive things to soothe it.  I know God sees me struggling with it and I believe I have at least a mustard seed of faith. At some point, I began to view this experience as my thorn in the flesh.  Several years ago, I remember sitting in a church service looking at everyone and feeling utterly alone. I want to feel my connections in a way that absorbs and eliminates the feelings of isolation. Loneliness is the ugliest part of my life because it’s painful to look closely at it.