Think about your journey of healing from childhood grief and loss. In hindsight, if you could tell your childhood self 5 things what would you say? Here are the top 5 things I would say to my childhood self:

1. Your grandmother’s daughter is your mother and she loves you. Even though your grandmother doesn’t show her love, when she comes around make sure you hug her, call her mamma and tell her you love her. Understand that your mother’s childhood was full of abuse, neglect  and invalidation. Her addiction has nothing to do with you.
2. You are loveable and I love you. You are not alone in your journey of healing.
3. It’s Ok to cry and have feelings and your feelings are always valid.
4. God can feel your voids and he knows how to fill them. Don’t be afraid to surrender your heart to him. Do it sooner than later.
5. Your writing is a gift from God. He has given you a tool to help you express and release your thoughts and feelings. Your writing provides you with fuel as navigate through your journey of healing.

The first two bring tears to my eyes. As a little girl I remember seeing my mother on occasion. My grandmother’s behavior was different towards her children depending on who their father was. She treated my mother differently and as a child I didn’t understand why. As a child I saw myself as dependent upon my grandmother and step grandfather. I called them “mamma and daddy”. I called my mother by her first name (until she was on her death bed) and I’ve never known my father. My emotions were enmeshed with my grandmother and because she acted as if she didn’t want my mother around, I didn’t want to be around my mother. I don’t recall my grandmother ever recommending or encouraging me to spend time with her. I remember one time my mother came by and I had company. I was ashamed of her and so I took my friend and we hid. I was ashamed of my mother because her life was unstable. I was ashamed of my grandmother because the other children in elementary school had young mothers.

My mother died of AIDS in the 90s. If you were around at that time you understand that HIV and AIDS were very different than what we see today. It wasn’t a “chronic disease” it was an epidemic. By the time I learned that she had AIDS she was dead within a week. I called my mother “mamma” and told her I loved her for the first time when she was on her death bed. I waited too late to go see her. By the time I arrived she was unconscious and couldn’t speak. I learned later in life that hearing is the last sense to go. My mamma waited for me. Who’s waiting for you? Who needs you to acknowledge who they are to you? Who needs to hear you say “I love you”. Don’t allow unforgiveness to stop you from getting the release you need. Learn from my hindsight.